So you want to tell you parents you smoke weed, but you don’t know how to? That’s fair. Been there. No matter what age you are, unless it’s just blatantly obvious that you parents are cool with it, it’s still kind of awkward to be like “Yo parents, I know as a kid you told me not to, but man…ya boy be blowing big kush. Like it’s really not a game. I gets high.”
Me personally, that’s kiiinda how it happened for me. Only, ummm..not as subtle. I was headed to my parents from The Grocery Store™ with a fresh sack of Dat Loudium in my pocket. I’m high as fuck, but the whole time I’m thinking “Yo remember to take that out of your pocket. Remember to take that out of your pocket.” What happens?
You: “You forgot to take it out of your pocket.”
Yup, you guessed right. I walked into my parents house with an eighth of skunkington in my right pocket. Gave my mom a hug with the right side, and then she goes “Aaaanddd you smell like smoke.” Up until this point, I’m fairly certain she knew that I smoked, but this was the first time it was just blatantly out there so I told her. Yeah, I smoke and I also get paid to write about it.
Chances are you’d prefer to not have a pocket full of goodies at your confession. For that reason, here are a few other ways to tell you parents that you enjoy a nice dose of THC every once in awhile:
This is the most practical way. Just toss it out in a text and wait for the three dots to pop up. Just outta nowhere on a window hope into the family group chat with a “Hey, what are y’all doing?” Then when you get courtesy You?, hit them with a “Not shit, just smoking a blunt and chillin.” This gives you the power of disappearing if they start coming at you with crazy phone calls. But it’s already out there so next time you see them, the conversation is already warming up. Think of it as the appetizer before the entree.
2. Email a Dear John Letter
This is for everyone who wants to be taken seriously. Come at them with an email like a professional. Hit them with the To Whom It May Concern greeting, complete with a fire Thanks For Your Consideration signature. This right here says “Hey, i get high, but I’m still on top of my business.” Maybe even attach a resume of your cannabis career thus far: major in college; time in the industry; relevant experience, references; all of that.
3. Walk into Sunday Dinner with the red eye
This is for my people that want to say “Look, I smoke weed and you can’t do shit about it. This is me. This is who I am.” If you’re the type of person who likes to attack issues head-on, but you haven’t been able to do so with a parental cannabis confession for some reason, this is the method for you. Just walk into the crib/restaurant like a young Dank Lucas on your boss shit, and let it all out there. The message will be loud and clear: “Ya boy is high, are we thinking the calamari for starters or what?”
4. Hot Box Your Car then pick them up for lunch
This is for my passive-aggressive people. Hotboxing the whip then scooping up the rents for a club sandwich at McCalisters is a nice way of confessing. Cause if you don’t address the issue, they won’t. So you just wait for a comment about that smell then say “Well, I’ve been meaning to ask you…ya boy gets eights for $50, but if y’all wanna split something…” And if they don’t say anything, they’ll still talk about it amongst themselves which still gets the job done for you.
5. Start dressing like a stereotype
When you think pothead, the first image in your head is a person rocking Bob Marley tie-dye shirts, weed socks, and drug rug hoodies. I know I’m right because as soon as you see a stranger dressed as such, you automatically assume they’re high or know where to find that fire. Your parents are definitely no different. If you can’t bring yourself to straight jump out the window with I Smoke Weed tatted on your forehead, then try this silent approach. Grow your hair out, toss on a Rastafari wristband, and start talking about how y’all should take a family trip to Amsterdam. If that doesn’t work, then shit, you’ve got 4 other options listed above. Good luck, my friends.