A wise man once said “Everything’s better when you’re high. If you don’t smoke, I don’t know why.” That wise man was Cameron Thomaz, otherwise known as the Wizard of House Khalifa, in his song Up, released in 2010. 7 years later, I’ve still yet to find an argument against that statement. I literally cannot think of 1 single activity that isn’t more enjoyable when stoned, which raises the question: when are the best times to get high? I mean, we all love to get high before running Saturday errands, or while kicking it with the homies, but when are the tried-and-true best times to get high? For answers, we check in with our expert, ya boy (me, I, Dante Jordan). In no particular order, here are 10 of the best times to get high:
1. Before the gym (weight-lifting)/after the gym (cardio)
This depends on the workout you’re doing. If it’s weightlifting, then smoking a little cannabis before can take your workout to new heights. My experience is that it can be used as a preworkout. For some reason when I get high, I can focus better on all tasks at hand. So if I smoke before the gym, by the time I get there, I’m more than ready to make Chest Day my bitch. I can just feel the THC activate like “Oh yeah, I’m about to get it the fuck in.” But on the flip side of things, if I smoke before cardio, my heart rate will be all over the place, which means I’m not lasting more than 9 minutes and 18 seconds on the Stairmaster. So for cardio, it’s best to smoke after.
2. Before a first date
Everyone gets nervous before a first date with a new prospect. You’re worried about making a great first impression; making sure you don’t say anything stupid; and simply not fucking up in any capacity. That can be extremely stressful, especially when dealing with one of those I Can’t Believe I Even Pulled type-prospects. Smoking beforehand is a good remedy for the pre-date jitters. But just make sure to not get too high, else you’ll be at dinner on some paranoid Oh My God, Am I Completely Blowing This weirdo shit, which will cause you to give off some strange vibes, ultimately guaranteeing that this first date is also the last.
3. First thing in the AM, with a cup of coffee
We all love a classic wake-n-bake, but have we acknowledged how much better it is when mixed with a little caffeine? My favorite time of the day to smoke is first thing in the morning because it’s the perfect time to reflect on your goals for the day. I sit on my back porch, blow an L, and think all the ways I can make the day my bitch. However, the potential of a mid-morning come-down crash tends to make wake-n-bakes a little dangerous. That’s when coffee comes running out of the bullpen like Mariano Rivera. That feeling of being too high and crashing around 10am is no match for a nice cup of Joseph. Adderrall could never.
4. After Sex
There’s no better stress reliever than getting a nut off. You just feel so much better about life. Absolutely nothing can bring you down, even if you’re truly living a dumpster fire. So when you have post-coitus smoke sesh, especially with your partner, it takes the feelings of relaxation and euphoria to totally different heights. You’re just laying there like “Yo…Life might be trash, but hey…had sex.”
5. During your lunch break
If your job is wack then your workdays are probably long and boring as a result. You get there at 8am and instantly feel like 5 o’clock might not arrive for the next 27 years. Even if the morning flies by, that post-lunch feeling of Dog, I Really Didn’t Want Come Back Here is inevitable. Smoking during your lunch break is a great way to break up the monotony of that. Time flies when you’re high, so if you need a temporary cure for the existential dread that comes from hating your job, maybe choose a smoke sesh instead of Jason’s Deli’s salad bar for lunch.
6. AFTER a big meal
Most people smoke before a meal because they think it intensifies taste, but I prefer to smoke AFTER a meal because it eases the feeling of being full. Boys be eating; boys be eating a lot. So when I get up from the dinner table feeling like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, I need a blunt ASAP to balance me out. You do too. Trust ya boy on this one.
7. Before a movie
If you don’t get high before movies then you aren’t really about this weed life. Literally nothing enhances the movie experience like 2 lungs full of smokey smoke. Movies are meant to distract you from reality, but when you’re high, that shit feels like an all-out vacation. Like there are times that I’ve been so high at the movies that I fucked around and thought I was IN the movie. Next time you’re bored (which is probably right now), twist something up, face it, then head to your local theater for a random movie. At some point during the viewing, I guarantee you’ll think to yourself “Wow, I’m fucking smacked. And I’m loving every minute of this.”
8. While listening to a new album
Much like movies, nothing enhances a music experience like a nice dose of THC. I don’t know why, but when I’m gone of the kushington, I can feel every little bit of music in my heart. Every note, every word, every element of the beat instantly becomes a part of my soul. That’s why getting high while listening to new music is such the perfect move. It turns a basic listening session into a full-on spiritual experience.
9. During a road trip
There are few better feelings than the feeling of freedom attributed to road trips. Just the thought of road trips forces you to envision a jeep with no roof, barreling down an empty highway, with the sun shining brighter than ever as your hair flows in the wind on some Living Your Best Life shit. Now picture yourself inside of that same scenario, but with a vape pen in hand, blowing the oils of Sour Diesel towards the heavens. Yeah, you like that idea, don’t you? Feels good, right? Make it happen, then.
10. After a funeral
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get dark on you out of nowhere. Funerals are sad as hell, that’s big facts. And when you’re sad as hell, is there any better distraction than getting high? The answer is no. It’s why as soon as we have a bad day of any capacity, the very first thought is “Man, I need to get high.” Hopefully you won’t attend any funerals in the near-future, but in the unfortunate case that you do, make sure you have something pre-rolled/pre-packed for the postgame occasion. Even if it’s only for a few minutes, those few minutes of feel-good high are enough to kick-start the healing process.